tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68993062024-03-13T05:13:17.432-07:00transcended.net - a new chapterlife and politicsJoycenoreply@blogger.comBlogger1044125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-39190889867257179792010-05-02T18:19:00.001-07:002010-05-02T18:19:28.633-07:00This blog has moved<br /> This blog is now located at __FTP_MIGRATION_NEW_URL__.<br /> You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click <a href='__FTP_MIGRATION_NEW_URL__'>here</a>.<br /><br /> For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to<br /> __FTP_MIGRATION_FEED_URL__.<br /> Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-26765482531148937432010-04-30T21:48:00.001-07:002010-04-30T21:59:30.924-07:00are we animals or not? make up yer damn mind<p align=justify>Strange conversation today with the brother of one of my coworkers. He gave an impassioned soliloquy about how humankind has veered off course and we need to get back in touch with nature. Hunt things and eat them. How people today are lost and depressed because we're not doing what our bodies think we should be doing. <br /><p align=justify>Then later when speaking with a thirty year old female acquaintance he pontificated about how the whole idea of women needing to get married and have babies by thirty is a complete social construct that makes no sense.<br /><p align=justify>Huh?<br /><p align=justify>If you believe in human evolution as a main driver for explaining our physical needs, you must see the reason for women having children sooner rather than later, no? Wouldn't this make the idea of having children (for women) before thirty, the <i>opposite</i> of a social construct?<br /><p align=justify>Apparently not. Paul said I should have said something but I really did not care enough to pick a fight, particularly since the 30 something unmarried woman was there and she seemed nice enough and I did not want to say anything that might put her in an awkward spot. I just thought the whole thing was totally bizarre. Do people not realize your fertility starts to decrease at age 27 and takes a significant nosedive at 35?? This is just me on my soapbox but I really wish that more time was spent educating women about the correlation between fertility and age, rather than just a bunch of stories of 40+ year old celebs successfully having twins their first go round of motherhood. Do people really think it's that simple??Joycenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-41000366225589748872010-04-27T16:35:00.000-07:002010-04-27T17:35:15.241-07:00my version of ariel's part of your world<p align=justify>I tend to feel very torn about what I should and shouldn't write here. It's not so much that I'm afraid the wrong people will read it (although that is always a concern) but more that I'm just not sure certain thoughts should be put out there into the world.<br /><p align=justify>Most of the time it has to do with griping about my current employment situation (I admit, it hasn't always stopped me). I feel guilty in the current economic climate complaining about a job that I still have. One that pays me well, offers great benefits and overall would be a job that more people than not would happily take. I have worked hard to get where I am, but I am fully aware of the fact that the world is made up of a lot of people who have worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less. In fact, come to think of it, <I>I've</I> worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less (go back through my archives about five years to my fundraising days).<br /><p align=justify>So I'm lucky, I've been blessed, and I know this. Mentally, I know this. The problem is that every day I go into the office and I kind of have this thought like I'm walking into a prison. Fair or not, that's just how I'm starting to feel. I'm so afraid of getting pigeonholed into the role I'm currently in, especially now that I'm staring at Year 3 of this. It sort of reminds me of a water-downed version of how I felt when I worked for Slumlord Properties and every morning I would say a little prayer that I'd get trapped in the elevator on the way up to my office just so I wouldn't have to face any of the tenants for a little while longer.<br /><p align=justify>I like working and I like the industry but I want to continue progressing and I feel like I've had a door slammed in my face. The feeling has become more pronounced with the <a href="http://transcended.net/2010/02/its-not-you.html">incident</a> that happened a couple months ago. It's taken time for it to sink in but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that a lot of what has been said to me over the past year or so about my prospects for the future with The Company has been a load of horseshit. And I'm not okay with that. If I were twenty years older I'd probably be okay with it, but I'm young and stupid enough to believe that I can do more. Ambition is a bitch ain't it?<br /><p align=justify>But I am stuck for now, I've put a lot of feelers out there but so far no bites. And I'm not prepared to quit. So I'm just in limbo. Feeling like I'm in a prison, but knowing that I should be happy (!) about what I do have.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-65993833160882517412010-04-24T23:46:00.001-07:002010-04-24T23:54:31.340-07:00negative<p align=justify>I was a little surprised by how I felt. Relieved, sure. But still, a little disappointed.<br /><p align=justify>I know I shouldn't be. It would have put us in a tough place and forced us to make some decisions I really never want to have to make. And after all, I'm <I>so close</i> to it being the "right time." And by that, I don't mean financially or mentally because let's face it, who is ever <i>really</i> ready when it comes to those things? You can always be a little richer or a little more mature right?Joycenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-50502663891736476352010-04-23T21:55:00.000-07:002010-04-23T22:07:20.044-07:00let's talk about<p align=justify>Last night I threw up my dinner in the bathroom sink. Yes, disgusting I know.<br /><p align=justify>I did attempt to work today but ended up coming home after a couple hours because my stomach just wasn't feeling okay. Assuming I'm not preggo since I just got through an unusually heavy period (sorry, TMI?) but since we have a ton of money in our FSA to use up maybe will meander over to the pharmacy tomorrow "just in case."<br /><p align=justify>Bah, so I've started getting a bit more serious about my current job situation, specifically how to get into a better one. We'll see how it goes, but so far it has just brought back feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Reminds me of why I hated dating. I'm not into the game. I suck at the game. I am gameless. I just want to know if you like me or not. Also, not helping that a job I didn't even think I would be remotely qualified for was presented to me like, "well maybe this would work but I gotta check with The Boss" and now that I have that glimmer of hope I'm like MUST HAVE THAT JOB. PUH-LEEAASE. Will grovel for it maybe? <br /><p align=justify>Dreams, lately my dreams have been...nostalgic. Disturbing. I wake up and hug my husband because nostalgia is overrated and my husband is the best man I've ever had in my life. It's weird when your subconcious is apparently still thinking about shit you thought was behind you. Kind of makes you want to punch your subconcious in the eye except it's just you at the end of the day so that would be counterproductive I guess.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-35385418612030933052010-04-22T16:40:00.000-07:002010-04-22T16:50:00.394-07:00Movie review: I Hate Valentine<p align=justify>Instead of studying, I watched <i>I Hate Valentine</i> when I got home from work today. I gotta say...don't watch it.<br /><p align=justify>I love a good RomCom as much as the next chick but this one was just Not Good. In fact, Downright Bad is a better description. Bad dialogue. Not funny, it didn't even really have its moments. Even for a RomCom, it was much, much too cheesy. The storyline might have worked better with actors in their twenties (or at least actors that could pass for being in their twenties), but at pushing fifty it just wasn't remotely believable. It was kind of like watching Meryl Streep dancing around like a lovesick teenager in <I>Mama Mia</i> - awkward and a little bit creepy. Also, the actress (the one from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which I liked) had this strange, fake smile plastered on her face the whole time and John Corbett just played the same guy he is in every movie except he didn't do it quite as well this time. He usually bores me but he seemed bored himself with this movie.<br /><p align=justify>Anyway, the only slightly interesting moment for me was when she explores her deep-seeded issues about her dad cheating on her mom. Obviously that struck a bit of a nerve with me but I don't think they really did much with it, and even if they had it would have been a little deep for a RomCom.<br /><p align=justify>In conclusion, don't waste your time. Leave that to me.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-8678886945033102612010-04-19T20:45:00.001-07:002010-04-19T22:04:31.605-07:00RIP baby girl Sofia<p align=justify>I hate reading stories like <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/04/19/BA241D112O.DTL">this</a>. They tend to get a lot of press because the idea is just horrifying and for a lot of people the natural reaction is to demonize the parents because deep down inside they fear that the same thing could have happened to them.<br /><p align=justify>As someone who can be absent-minded at times, it is terrifying to imagine that parents who are generally excellent, loving, attentive parents can have something like this happen to them. Paul and I have already discussed these situations and how we will prevent against them (putting a stuffed animal in the car seat and placing it in the passenger seat when the baby is in the car seat). I cannot imagine the hell that parents who have lived through these types of tragedies must live in for the rest of their lives.<br /><p align=justify>For some reason though, this particular story just doesn't sit right with me. In other cases I've read typically the parents are on their way to work, there is some sort of deviation from normal routines that leads to a tragic, but somewhat understandable (and thus terrifying) ending. In those cases it's understandable that both parents felt as though baby was safe and being cared for. In this case though, it doesn't quite make as much sense. Both parents were home. A seven month old that didn't cry for 12+ hours? That didn't need to be fed or diapered? Obviously I don't have kids but I'm at the age where a lot of people I know are having kids and my understanding is that a 7 month olds DEMAND attention. A lot of attention.<br /><p align=justify>How do Mom and Dad both go to bed at night without even questioning whether or not baby is okay? I get that they are saying she was a light sleeper and so they didn't want to peak in, but still neither asks the other, "So did baby go down easily tonight?" or something along those lines? And stranger still, mom sleeps til 2pm while dad goes off to the gym? What about their two year old? Who was watching her? Neither of these children need to be fed between 11:30pm and 2pm the next day? Again, don't have a two year old but the ones I've been around don't let their parents sleep til 2pm pretty much ever. And infants need to be feed every few hours don't they? There are just so many things wrong with this story, I really hope the police do a careful investigation and their defenders don't simply hide behind the "it could happen to anyone" line...In a lot of these cases I think that's true, but in this case I don't think it could have happened to anyone who was a devoted, vigilant parent.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-87422211678697956132010-04-18T20:19:00.000-07:002010-04-18T20:31:15.571-07:007in7 roundup<p align=justify>So how did my little experiment go? Mm...57% success rate.<br /><br /><s>1. Return heinous shirt to VS</s> <i>4/15</i><br /><s>2. Make doctor appointment</S> <i>4/13</i><br /><s>3. Apply to three jobs</S> <i>4/13</i><br />4. Finish CFA Level 1 review<br /><S>5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners</S> <i>4/15</i><br />6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling<br />7. Schedule next LHR treatment<br /><p align=justify>I still think it was worth making the list because without it I probably wouldn't have gotten anything done at all. Now we will roll the items not completed into prominent positions for next weeks list.<br /><p align=justify>It's been a rough weekend, don't really feel like going into all of it right now but surely will at some point. Suffice to say I'm tired and in some physical pain and am about two seconds from collasping into bed. Crap. I have to get up for work tomorrow don't I?<br /><p align=justify>NooOOooJoycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-26167663298647750552010-04-12T20:31:00.000-07:002010-04-13T21:01:38.531-07:007 things in 7 days<p align=justify>Lately I have been having a really hard time doing all the things (outside of work) that need to get done. Or, really should get done anyway. So 7 in 7 it is...Here are the first 7 things I will have the pleasure of scratching off my list (or so I hope!).<br /><br />1. Return heinous shirt to VS<br /><s>2. Make doctor appointment</S> <i>4/13</i><br /><s>3. Apply to three jobs</S> <i>4/13</i><br />4. Finish CFA Level 1 review<br />5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners<br />6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling<br />7. Schedule next LHR treatmentJoycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-16390017512376179632010-04-12T15:35:00.000-07:002010-04-12T19:24:42.887-07:00the fledgling<p align=justify>I spent the day before Easter Sunday laid up in bed feeling slightly under the weather. All afternoon I kept hearing this high-pitched repetitive noise. At first I thought it was Taz having some sort of asthma attack, or maybe even the sound of my own nose whistling from the congestion. It wasn't either of those things of course but I couldn't be bothered to figure out where the sound was coming from so instead I rolled over and went back to my nap.<br /><p align=justify>Anyway, eventually Paul came home from running errands and was like WTF is that noise so I pulled back the blinds and lo and behold there was an odd looking bird walking around on our patio. After a bit of googling we realized that a fledgling pigeon had somehow found its way into our patio (which has extremely high, solid concrete walls and no access except from above) and was apparently not going to be going anywhere until it learned to fly. A debate ensued about whether or not to call animal control, which we eventually did and they were pretty much no help and told us just to leave it where it is.<br /><p align=justify>I started mushing up cat food and leaving it on the patio for the bird because Paul and I were convinced it had delinquent parents. We never saw it eat, only other annoying pigeons coming to eat and poop (joy) but eventually this past weekend we actually saw one if its parents come and puke down its throat a couple times. Ah, the beauty of nature...or something. Actually it was mostly a really weird sight to see, like the baby was swallowing the adult birds head. <br /><p align=justify>So far the little guy has survived ten days on our patio and two huge rainstorms. Every night it seems to completely pass out and every day it squawks for food pretty relentlessly. Even though Paul probably wouldn't admit it we are feeling sort of protective of the little fledgling and it's kind of neat to see him growing into a bird right before our eyes.<br /><p align=justify>When we first found it I was pretty sure it was going to die. On our patio. And I was totally going to make Paul be the one to scrape its dead body off the concrete because, ew. But now I think we're both really looking forward to the day it finally figures out how to use those wings and fly away. Tonight I saw it standing on this small piece of wood that fell from one of the trees during a storm onto the patio and flapping its wings. It's practicing.<br /><p align=justify>Maybe one of these days we will be walking down the street and it will poop on our heads.<br /><p align=justify>Oh yeah, and we thought Taz might enjoy having a "pet" to look at since she's home alone during the day but she could really care less apparently. Birds have become so mundane to her now she can barely be bothered to look up from her nap.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-60199872055176108162010-04-11T10:30:00.001-07:002010-04-11T10:58:55.937-07:00you've come a long way baby (10yr bloggiversary)<p align=justify>Oh hey. Yup, still here.<br /><p align=justify>First I got some spyware thing on my computer (I swear I was not surfing around on any sketchy sites, I maintain that I was on NBAdotcom when all hell broke loose) which required Paul to take over my computer for several days and when I came back everything had been wiped clean, including all my internet favorites (which I did forget to backup when I was backing up everything else, nice work Joyce).<br /><p align=justify>Then my domain name expired and I admit, this is my own fault because they did send me several emails reminding me to renew and I was like, oh April 7th, I have so much time! Except then it was suddenly April 9th and er, yeah...<br /><p align=justify>BUT, I'm back now and have suffered no consequences as a result of my forgetfulness so I will probably do the same thing again next year. Because honestly, I think this is what has happened almost every year for like the last nine years.<br /><p align=justify>Holy cow people, do you realize I've been blogging for a DECADE?<br /><p align=justify>My first blog was on geocities (do they even still exist) and it was probably actually more of a journal and I had to hand code and FTP each page. And when I changed the layout, I'd have to then go back and copy each old post into the new layout, page by page, and re-FTP the whole damn thing. (As an aside I'm ashamed to admit that my very first website had those tacky javascript snowflakes constantly floating down the page - don't judge me I was 17 and didn't know any better!).<br /><p align=justify>Blogging has been very good to me over these past ten years. At times it has saved my sanity. At times, it has allowed me to go back and laugh at myself. It got me into graduate school (yes, really).<br /><p align=justify>I started blogging during one of the hardest times of my adolescent life and through the years I've made some wonderful friends because of this site. This blog has seen me through my senior year of high school, college, more jobs than I care to admit, a graduate degree, Paris, boyfriends, depression, physical illness, recovery and of course the hubby.<br /><p align=justify>I think I also went from thinking I was a liberal to being a pretty hardcore conservative on this blog. Funny.<br /><p align=justify>Anyway, lately I've been feeling like my life is in flux. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, what to do about my career, what I should be focused on, where my life is heading, or even where to live (have I ever told you how much I hate house hunting?). But you know, ten years ago, did I see myself where I am today?<br /><p align=justify>Nope.<br /><p align=justify>So I guess I just need to quit worrying and just get out there and keep living and keep writing about it.Joycenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-4329587491660384072010-03-28T19:58:00.000-07:002010-03-28T20:28:07.217-07:00RIP little man<a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/local/lat-me-child-dea_kzr7nnc20100323154936,0,4239016.photo">Deandre Green</a> was two years old. He liked to sing songs, scribble and cars.<br /><p align=justify>He was beaten to death by his mother's (using that word VERY loosely) boyfriend last weekend and his father's family <a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-child-death24-2010mar24,0,7353996,full.story">claims</a> that both the police and DCFS were contacted in the months and weeks immediately prior to his murder.<br /><p align=justify>The story is disturbing all the way around, but what particularly struck me was the part where the father brought the baby to the police department in order to report the bruises on his body and he was basically threatened. It sounds like the father, though young, was essentially a responsible father and member of society. He was not some drug dealing lowlife, he had a steady job as a baggage handler and loved his little boy very much. In fact it was his desire to do things the "right" way that tragically led things to unfold the way they did.<br /><p align=justify>Now, I don't usually like to bring race into things, but for some reason in this case I feel that there is a strong possibility that race played a role in what happened. And maybe not just race, but also the age of the father.<br /><p align=justify>Think about it, if he had been a middle-aged white man and he had walked into that police station, do you think he would have been treated the way he was? And if he had, as a middle aged white man he would probably have been enraged by his treatment and demanded to speak to a superior. But, as a young black man I'm sure the fear of having the police not believe him and maybe even somehow turn this around on him was ever-present. Whether rightly or not, I think that many young black men in the US fear the police even if they are not doing anything wrong. Especially in Los Angeles. And maybe that's what happened here?<br /><p align=justify>It makes perfect sense if you look at it through the lens of a young black man in LA, why he didn't push the police once they made it clear they did not believe him. As another commenter noted, this really could have been the moment when it all unraveled...sad..<br /><p align=justify>I don't really have a point. I just found this story to be so incredibly sad...it's unimaginable to me that someone could look into this baby's big beautiful eyes and harm a single hair on his head. I pray for his father and that God will give him some measure of peace - though I'm sure he will be forever haunted by what he might have done to save his son. I hope that someday he will believe none of this is his fault. He did everything right and the system failed him. <br /><p align=justify>I really feel like the failures here fall on the shoulders of Hawthorne police department, DCFS and of course the mother and her scumbag boyfriend.<br /><p align=justify>I'm sure that the last two will rot in hell. I hope sooner, rather than later.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-8869787597538069722010-03-22T19:24:00.000-07:002010-03-22T19:57:45.677-07:00we now return to your regularly scheduled life<p align=justify>Interesting day. Plans are once again in disarray but in a good way this time. God reminding me that HE is in control and not me!Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-3247658422110781132010-03-19T17:13:00.000-07:002010-03-19T17:45:50.027-07:00broken hearts become brand new<p align=justify>It's summer in March here in the city. It's awesome. Last Friday? It was storming. Today? Clear blue skies and sunny with just enough of a breeze.<br /><p align=justify>I spent the day lounging in bed and then a nice lunch with the hubby and one of his buddies (who also happens to be a coworker). Ah, I love unused vacation days from the previous year that absolutely MUST be used up by the end of Q1.<br /><p align=justify>The week did not start off so gloriously. Oh wait, it kind of did since I took Monday off too (and this coming Monday too, life is <i>hard</i> I know) but then it took kind of a super crappy turn for the worse when my re-test numbers came back and they were catastrophically awful - awful to the point where my doctor asked me to come into the office even though I couldn't make it in until two hours after his last appointment. Hm, that's never a good sign is it?<br /><p align=justify>And then?<br /><p align=justify>Well, it turns out the results weren't across the board bleak. In fact, upon closer inspection, they were a bit...odd. My blood tests were horrendous, urine test (sorry, tmi?) not so much. In fact, strangely better than the last test. So instead of ramping up the medication like I think everyone (me, my mom and my doc) thought was going to be the inevitable outcome of this emergency visit, instead we did a retest of the retest.<br /><p align=justify>*drumroll please*<br /><p align=justify>ALL tests have significantly improved and most are actually almost back to where I was four months ago when everything was peachy-keen.<br /><p align=justify>WTF?<br /><p align=justify>My doctor is perplexed. He said the last tech who drew my blood must have somehow screwed up the draw or something happened with the sample. But that still doesn't explain why things are actually better than the original test that kicked off all the drama last month.<br /><p align=justify>The only explanation I can think of is kind of kooky. My mom and aunt have gotten into this chakra healing thing (which is apparently old eastern medicine which has more recently been co-opted by the new age movement) and ever since my bad results they have been doing healing sessions with me, my mom has even been coming into the city once or twice a week. When my mom heard about it from my aunt she got really excited because supposedly a lot of lupus patients have shown a lot of improvement with regular treatments. I went along with it because I figured at the very least it wouldn't hurt anything (basically they sort of meditate with their hands over my energy points).<br /><p align=justify>Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up too high yet, but I must say, my feet look great. Even after my good results, I still felt like my legs were swelling all week because they felt heavy and bloated. My feet were starting to get discolored. But today my feet look totally normal and my legs feel normal again. Of course, that could be because I spent the bulk of the day laying in bed!<br /><p align=justify><I>I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains<br />Hope that doesn’t ever end<br />Even when the sky is falling<br />And I’ve seen miracles just happen<br />Silent prayers get answered<br />Broken hearts become brand new<br />That’s what faith can do</i>Joycenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-27742113021111472010-03-16T14:56:00.000-07:002010-03-16T15:07:59.784-07:00and i'll praise You in this storm<p align=justify>I got some more bad test results back today and briefly contemplated becoming a dark pit of gloom and doom again. Then decided against it.<br /><p align=justify>Honestly, what's the point? It is what it is. C'est la vie. And stuff.<br /><p align=justify>So I will not be getting pregnant anytime soon. I think I'm ok with that. Heck, at this point my numbers are starting to look so bad that I will be glad if my kidneys come out of this (relatively) unscathed. We are scaling back expectations here at transcended.net okay? Now we are just happy to be alive. Which is how it should be right?<br /><p align=justify><i>I was sure by now<br />That You would have reached down<br />And wiped our tears away<br />Stepped in and saved the day<br />But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining<br />As the thunder rolls<br />I barely hear Your whisper through the rain<br />"I'm with you"<br />And as Your mercy falls<br />I raise my hands and praise the God who gives<br />And takes away</i>Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-45752290112186062682010-03-09T19:46:00.000-08:002010-03-09T20:42:29.125-08:00Formosa Betrayed - go see it now, don't make me buy you the DVD for Christmas or your birthday because I will<p align=justify>Taking a short break from my writer's block to attempt to write about something important.<br /><p align=justify><a href="http://www.formosathemovie.com/">Formosa Betrayed</a><br /><p align=justify>If you are Taiwanese or have any interest in Taiwan, please go see this movie. Excellent historically based drama that attempts to educate the world about little known atrocities which occurred on the tiny island.<br /><p align=justify>In a lot of ways the moral of the story is similar to the story of the reign of various dictators the world over during the Cold War. The U.S chooses what is presumably the "lesser" of two evils and looks the other way while a brutal dictator pretends to be a friend of democracy while coldly slaughtering and terrorizing his "own" people. The story is not unfamiliar, but it has never been told about Taiwan before.<br /><p align=justify>The subject is close to my heart because my mother's family is Taiwanese and believe strongly in Taiwan independence. The ironic thing about Taiwan independence is that historically China actually opposed Taiwanese calling themselves Chinese (they thought those peasant islanders were beneath them)...until the nationalists (also known as the Kuo Ming Tang - Chiang Kai Shek's party) fled to Taiwan during the Communist Revolution. Then, all of the sudden, Taiwan was absolutely part of China!<br /><p align=justify>Also ironic is that my dad's family is KMT, my grandfather was actually a high ranking general, a member of the first graduating class of Chiang Kai Shek's military school in China. After his family fled to Taiwan he was given a prestigious post overseeing the entire port. He waited an appropriate amount of time and then resigned his post because he refused to participate in the rampant corruption and mob ties and was afraid that this would bring negative attention to him and his family.<br /><p align=justify>The scary thing and the reason why Taiwanese are so grateful that this movie has been made is that <i>no one knows what happened in Taiwan</i>. No one knows that on 2/28/1947 the KMT kicked off a week of terror which ultimately resulted in the deaths of 20,000-30,000 Taiwanese intellectuals. The KMT government <i>systemically</i> murdered those who might ever pose a challenge to them, doctors, lawyers, journalists, businessmen, politicians, professors...the father of my eldest uncle's wife was a doctor and he actually had to flee to China (more irony, I know) to escape being killed by the KMT.<br /><p align=justify>The government terrorized people to keep silent to the point where my own mother who was born only five years later said she never even heard about 2/28 until she came to the US. Her parents were too afraid to speak about it even at home.<br /><p align=justify>The KMT was only a small group compared to the Taiwanese population but they used brutal tactics to bully themselves into power. They would not allow the Taiwanese to speak their own language, forcing them to learn Mandarin. There was massive discrimination, Taiwanese were not allowed to hold prestigious positions, those were reserved for the KMT. And so on and so forth...<br /><p align=justify>Before WWII the Japanese ruled Taiwan. My mom always tells me that at first the Taiwanese were very happy when the Chinese fled to their island. They welcomed them like brothers. And then they realized that the Japanese had treated them better and wished they could have them back.<br /><p align=justify>Maybe it's just a general lack of interest that America has for Asian history, but I'm constantly surprised that Chiang Kai Shek is not demonized the way Stalin and Hitler and others are. As President Truman believed, CKS is undoubtedly the reason China was lost to the communists. CKS had strong ties to the triads and was supremely corrupt, working only towards his own benefit. I hope history paints him for the depraved monster that he is.<br /><p align=justify>And as weird as this is to say, I'm really grateful to James Vanderbeek and all of the people who had a hand in creating this important movie. It may not receive critical acclaim, but it is telling a story that absolutely needs to be told.<br /><p align=justify>The truth about the history of Taiwan must be revealed to the world.<br /><p align=justify>Please go see <a href="http://www.formosathemovie.com/">this movie</a>.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-74231212839131527852010-03-08T20:47:00.001-08:002010-03-08T20:58:18.064-08:00i am damaged, at best<p align=justify>It's my own doing, but things are happening in a very strange succession around me right now. My blood pressure is not good today. I'm partially afraid that my legs are going to start swelling and instead of feet I will once again wind up with slabs of putty that sort of almost fit inside my shoes.<br /><p align=justify>I just want to be...normal. I just want to be a 27yo woman worrying about turning 28. Worrying about normal routine career issues without the added bullsh*t about how to juggle health with work with desperately wanting to be a mommy but also not destroy my career.<br /><p align=justify>I am rambling right now. It seems like lately that's all I can muster. When my head is on straight and I know I should try to write something logical and calm, I just...can't. And now at times like this where I am a mess (thanks Ambien!) I am ready to have all my feelings spilled over.<br /><p align=justify>Can I tell you two things? I'm thankful. Thankful for so much I have, so many of the people in my life and the wonderful opportunities.....The other thing is that sometimes I feel so totally lost. Like I don't know where I'm going careerwise...will I forever be a back office peon monkey? Will I ever be more? And like about becoming a mother, will I slowly turn into one of those bitter old infertility bloggers (you know who you are)? Always wanting and feeling like it's my time and then it's not and the bitterness grows, rinse, recycle, repeat....<br /><p align=justify>I need to find a way to turn this into something more structured....tomorrow. <br /><p align=justify><i>broken heart, that's still beating</i>Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-78392067747441733632010-03-02T21:11:00.001-08:002010-03-02T21:20:40.899-08:00try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy<p align=justify>March? Where did March come from all of the sudden.<br /><p align=justify>I am ok. Almost ok. Or something. Seriously though, I'm starting to grow in leaps and bounds in the whole "accepting it" thing. Life goes on and yadda yadda yadda. My life is not bad, in fact it's great in many ways and I'm choosing to acknowledge my blessings rather than dwell on the shit that sucks. <br /><p align=justify>Today was my third official tutoring session and I'm realizing it's freaking hard to teach a kid for an hour. I can't imagine how teachers do this ALL. DAY. LONG.<br /><p align=justify>They are crazy I tell you, just nuts.<br /><p align=justify>Although...part of me does wish that I had <i>more</i> time to spend with them because one hour a week, while you're forcing a kid to read (ew, who wants to do that) is not very good bonding time and I believe you do have to bond with kids in order to teach them. So...we'll just have to see what happens.<br /><p align=justify>I think it's now what, two weeks into lent? So far giving up soda has been difficult but I'm not exactly going through withdrawal. It's more like, gee a soda would sure hit the spot right now but guess I'll drink this cup of hot water instead....yum. Also does not help that my sweet wonderful thoughtful husband went out and bought a <i>SODA MAKER</I> (I kid you not) the day after I decided I was giving up soda for lent.<br /><p align=justify>There will be a long post on adoption coming. I have written it in my head many times. Attempted to commit it into some words and felt like I failed to get my point across about a hundred times now. But I shall press on and hopefully at some point I will be able to explain...something...about...something...to..myself. Or something.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-49311538289113230312010-02-28T18:50:00.000-08:002010-02-28T18:56:12.936-08:00nothing charming about this story...<p align=justify><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/02/28/LV8Q1BP4SF.DTL">Really??</a> I understand that sometimes divorce happens even when a couple has tried really hard to make things work. But now we're celebrating infidelity too? This couple should be ashamed of themselves. Obviously, though, they are not.<br /><p align=justify>The only redeeming thing about this article is that the majority of the commenters seem just as appalled as I am.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-37715624256577049002010-02-25T20:26:00.000-08:002010-02-25T20:40:08.428-08:00still small voice<p align=justify>Not sure what to say today. Am feeling relatively balanced. And tomorrow will be Friday. I just need to regroup. <br /><br /><I>What do you see when you look at your world today<br />Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane<br />And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid<br />And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change<br /><br />You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin<br />And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice<br /><br />When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain<br />Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in<br />You’re blinded by the lightning<br />Do you also hear that still, small voice saying<br />It’s okay you’re not alone<br />You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go<br />You may think the sky above is falling<br />But can you hear Jesus calling<br /><br />What do you see when you look at your world today<br />Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray<br />Well start by counting your blessings one by one<br />Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun<br />You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin<br />And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice<br /><br />Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine<br /><br />- Jesus Calling by 33 Miles</i>Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-46035091749973233492010-02-25T18:47:00.001-08:002010-02-25T18:50:55.265-08:00Hit-run victim's weeping brother at arraignment<p align=justify>Oh honey, these sub-humans always <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/02/25/BAG01C78U1.DTL">plead not guilty</a>.<br /><p align=justify>What I can't understand is why the "woman" (and I use that term <i>very</I> loosely) who instigated the whole thing is out on bail. Shouldn't she be charged with at least accessory to murder or something? Since a murder was committed during the commission of another crime/felony?Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-22612793905695542932010-02-24T19:53:00.001-08:002010-02-24T20:55:57.022-08:00best laid plans<p align=justify>First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits. <br /><p align=justify>I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects. <br /><p align=justify>Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.<br /><p align=justify>I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized <I>why</i> I've been thinking about him.<br /><p align=justify>I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had <i>A Plan</i>.<br /><p align=justify>So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home. <br /><p align=justify>Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.<br /><p align=justify>What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.<br /><p align=justify>All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.<br /><p align=justify>What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-6005330198798348062010-02-23T17:28:00.000-08:002010-02-23T18:45:59.303-08:00save me, i'm lost<p align=justify>I am having a really hard time with this. For some reason I feel so much more defeated this time around. I think I am coming to the realization that what I have <i>is not curable</i>. After all this time, after <i>five</I> years, I think part of me was still clinging to the naive hope that I would finish up a course of medication and this would all go away. Like it was a sinus infection or something.<br /><p align=justify>I am just so tired of this. I'm tired of this being part of my life. I'm tired of the fact that I can't just decide to have a child with my husband like millions of other young women my age are doing <i>right now</i>.<br /><p align=justify>I never really grieved when I was diagnosed. I don't know if I felt like I needed to. I don't think I really understood the effect it would have on my life. I knew I was sick, I knew I would need medication, probably for years, but I was <I>so young</i>. I was only twenty-two, just graduated from college, still working my first job. Paul and I weren't even engaged yet, we had only been dating a few months. I wasn't imagining getting pregnant or what it would be like to be a parent with this disease.<br /><p align=justify>I think that is the other thing that has been bothering me lately. I wonder how I can be a parent when I get tired so easily? I wonder how I can stay up all night with a newborn or a sick child when even one night with too little sleep causes me so much pain the next day. How can I do it? Can I do it?<br /><p align=justify>And yet..<br /><p align=justify>I want to be a mother. I want Paul to be a father. He will be an amazingly wonderful father, I know it. And I don't want to feel like I failed him. I don't want to continue failing. It is important to my husband to have biological children (he is very open to adoption but he has always been very honest about his desire to have biological children as well) and I don't think it is wrong for him to feel this way. I know he will love me even if I can't give him biological children, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself if that happens. If for some reason it turns out that I can never carry children, I will always know that if he had just chosen someone else he would have easily had what he wants.<br /><p align=justify>This time just feels different. This "flare" feels like a wake up call. I'm helpless in all of this. The doctors don't really know what they're doing, at this point I probably know almost as much as they do about this disease. This may never go away.<br /><p align=justify>All I can do is pray it does. Pray for supernatural healing.Joycenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-63754439773257587142010-02-21T19:38:00.000-08:002010-02-21T19:56:25.516-08:00the pee has hit the fan<p align=justify>I am so disappointed tonight. In myself. In my body. For something I'm not even sure I really have any control over. But I still feel like I've failed somehow.<br /><p align=justify>I got the results of my urinalysis back tonight (6pm Sunday evening, I love that they post the results online) and as expected, they look...bad. Pretty bad. Kind of downright awful and now I'm <i>really</i> dreading the blood test results (which will probably come back tomorrow). I'm also really dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow, it feels like I've just failed a math test and I have a meeting with the teacher or something.<br /><p align=justify>It's so hard to express just how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. How hard it is to live with this stupid invisible disease. Being sick on the inside and looking fine on the outside makes it so people have no understanding at all on how painful it can be, both mentally and physically. I am crestfallen, I feel like I've failed and now I'm wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant and have biological children.<br /><p align=justify>We're supposed to go on a trip up to Tahoe with some friends in a couple week and I really don't want to go because I think this is a critical time for my body in terms of healing. I don't think I should be going up into high elevations which strains me during the best of times, and of course there will be a lot of drinking and staying up late and physical exertion. We will probably cancel and it's stupid but my main concern right now is, what will we tell people? People look at me and I seem to be perfectly healthy, because I can be most of the time, it's hard to explain why I have to be so careful without feeling like an invalid.<br /><p align=justify>I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now, I think I just have all this pent up frustration about living with this damn disease and the lack of understanding there is in the general population of what it is and what people with lupus can and can't do.<br /><p align=justify>I've always experienced this fear about telling people because I don't want them to think I am a liability at work (I'm not) or that it affects my career in any way (it doesn't and won't). But then when I'm pushed to do the same things as other people my age (go out, take trips, etc.) I don't know what to say. Because I <i>do</i> have to be so much more careful and aware...<br /><p align=justify>And now I'm just freaked out over this whole trying to have a baby thing. Sigh. I'm trying to see the silver lining in this as being able to focus on adopting our first child rather than getting pregnant with one, but I'm also kind of sick of always having to find the silver lining in shit.<br /><p align=justify>I wish I was a little kid so I could lie on the floor and cry and pound my fists and yell about how unfair this all is. I guess this blog will just have to suffice.Joycenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6899306.post-35447461495678295032010-02-21T17:24:00.001-08:002010-02-21T17:36:14.375-08:00The Ground Zero Outrage<p align=justify>Having just returned from Las Vegas, where they're in the final stages of completing their City Center project and several new hotels have sprung up since our last trip out there four years ago (including The Trump where we stayed) I am having a really hard time getting my mind wrapped around <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-02-19/the-ground-zero-outrage/full/">this</a>.<br /><p align=justify>The fact that Ground Zero is still just a big hole in the ground really is a national disgrace. <br /><blockquote>As we wrapped up the filming in the pit and the crews were putting away their gear, I thought ground zero had been victimized again, this time by a lack of leadership.</blockquote><br /><p align=justify>I don't even know what else to say.Joycenoreply@blogger.com0