Gave That

Favorite Etiquette Books

2011-01-31T18:35:00.006-05:00

They always say life doesn't come with an instruction manual but something almost as good is one on etiquette. Here are some favorites:

The Art of Thank You by Connie Leas

Better Than Beauty by Helen Valentine and Alice Thompson

Vogue's Book of Etiquette compiled by Millicent Fenwick (vintage)

The Etiquette Grrls by Lesley Carlin and Honore McDonough Ervin

Manners by Kate Spade

Swell by Cynthia Rowley

Emily Post online.

For more see Gave That's etiquette section here and, for more books, see my list of favorite love letter books here.

Image: mam for Gave That

Host A Dinner Party at Home for Come + Together & Macy's Matches It

2009-09-23T13:09:00.025-04:00

This is such a great idea and the perfect way to step back into another time... the past eras filled with chic little dinner parties held at peoples homes benefiting good causes. It was second nature and just done. So for day 2 of our Classic Remastered series here is how to hold your own charity fête with the benefit of having your efforts matched by Macy's latest launch, Come + Together - The Great American Dinner Party. Proceeds will go to Feeding America.

The premise is rather simple. Put together a little benefit dinner party for friends, loved ones and guests and collect donations. You then visit the Come + Together site and donate your funds where Macy's will match your donation, doubling it. Rinse and repeat if you like!

Tips On Holding A Stellar Charity Dinner At Home

Plan It Out: Most home charity dinners are much the same as any dinner party although making it feel worth your guests time and support will be even more pronounced and important. Planning ahead for issues such as if this will be a formal sit down (with place cards and so on) or a looser cocktail party will be key. This also needs to be expressed on your invitation cards along with any minimum donation. This way gusts can decide if they want to (or can) participate. The last thing anyone should feel is sprung upon once at the party because they were not clear it was a benefit type gathering.

Plan Your Menu &/or Drinks: Pull together what you're going to serve. This is where keeping things intimate and confined to close friends and relatives can pay off. Knowing what people like (or are restricted to eating) will help you create a spread delectable enough for everyone (or mixed drinks for cocktail parties suitable to everyone's tastes... for drink ideas visit our Mixology section).

For added inspiration grab a cookbook. On the Gilt Groupe blog Tory Burch mentioned she has been working through her advance copy of "Park Avenue Potluck Celebrations" with proceeds benefiting The Society of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, $35. (ships starting October 2009) for her dinner parties. There are a whole host of other new cookbooks that give back as well including "Thursdays With Mom & Michael" a daughter's (Anita Rosenberg) loving tribute to her mother's weekly dinner parties with 100% of proceeds going to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. For additional tips and recipes Martha Stewart has lent her dinner party advice and recipes for free over at the Come + Together site. [for more great charity cookbooks I found click here for my guide, Cooking for A Cause.]

Be Personal When Inviting Gusts: Call your gusts to invite them over the phone or send handwritten invitations being sure to use their name. Try to be as personal as possible so that people feel more motivated and connected in following through and coming to support your efforts. Places like Facebook are too easy to click away and say no to... people need to feel you're intimately involved so go that extra mile to reach out. Also make sure to tell potential gusts that this is a private benefit dinner and what your donation expectations are, if any. Leave no unpleasant surprises for people. Have people RSVP (or ask for "regrets only") and let them know if your party is a formal sit down or something more informal like a Bar-B-Q on the deck.

Brush Up On Your Hosting Skills: As mentioned above charity parties carry a tad more weight for giving people a good time so be sure to brush up on your host/hostess skills. A great book for this is, Town & Country Handbook for Hosts: A Practical Guide to Party Planning and Gracious Entertaining by Adam Bluestein. A lot will depend on who you have invited, how well and if they know one another and so on so you can facilitate mingling, gabbing, laughs and just plain fun. Make sure you're personally not too busy running around and getting things put together to talk and mingle with your own gusts. Especially those who might have come alone or are slightly shy.

Add In Some Extras: Consider giving out favor bags to gusts or create some games so that people can win a favor (this has often been a major highlight for parties... give it a try). Have board games for people to play or screen movies if you have a home theatre system set up. All night Hitchcock or campy films from the 60s are great. Just keep it light and non-depressing so people have a good time—not focusing on even more dire problems in life. Hire a DJ or get a friend to do it (you wouldn't believe the number of kids out there that can do this from their laptops or iPods!), have dancing or keep it low key (think swank NYC eateries... what do they play?) with Latin Jazz and World Beats. Just a little in the background for ambiance but not too much that it prevents people from talking to one another.

Tell Your Guests Thank You: In most dinner parties it's the host that gets all of the thank you cards but in this case each gusts should receive a grateful card of thanks for their support. Write it out and pop a stamp on it. This is also a good time to let them know once again where their donations went, more about the cause and who you hope will benefit from your collective kindness.

Do You Have To Hold It At Home? Not everyone lives in a home ready to host guests (especially if you live with a bunch of roommates)... but this shouldn't keep you from having your own dinner party. Consider having a bonfire picnic party on the beach, hold it at a restaurant or club (remember in these cases you will be expected, as the host, to cover everyone's tab) or look for another suitable venue (house of worship, friends home, rent a penthouse hotel room and have the Concierge send you up a bartender, etc.). Think outside of the box and make it happen.

Some extra party tid bits...
How to set a coffee (demitasses) tray
Making a signature drink such as coloring book cocktails
Playing little salon games such as 32 Q. on Love

Do you have any private charity dinner party advice to share? Tips or tweaks? If so leave them in the comments section below.

Image: Macy's

Etiquette: Can I Only Give The Groom or Bride A Gift? You Asked

2009-06-30T12:29:00.009-04:00

Q. My question is what if I know the groom very well as a long time friend but really know nothing about his new bride? Can I buy something I know he will like and has wanted for some time? Can I let all the other guests take care of the bride?

A. This is a question many are grappling with right about now. The short and direct answer is no. Standard and, I think very wise, etiquette on wedding gifts dictates that your gift should be something that both the bride and groom will get good use out of. This is why many wedding presents are very much like the gifts typically seen for hostesses and housewarmings. When you think about it, the bride and groom may be setting up a new home and transitioning into another phase of life filled with dinners together and parties for recently acquired friends and relatives (i.e. entertaining!).

Classic western wedding gifts have often times included place settings, picture frames, kitchen appliances, candles, stationery and so on. Using this traditional backbone (remember tradition usually has a pretty good track record of usability and satisfaction) try to seek out examples that are a tad unique and modern. Personalize your gift with the new couples monograms or seek out regional designers so that what you give will end up being a wise investment and appreciating in value.

Leave any individual, personal gifts for another time such as a bachelor party or your friends birthday. Giving joint gifts will not only be less expensive in the long run but they will also prevent any potential hurt feelings or suspicions that someone has designs on their new mate.

Etiquette: Can I ask For My Gift Back?

2009-06-09T12:08:00.011-04:00

A burning question among Gave That visitors recently has been the etiquette and ethical question concerning the request for a gift to be returned, as in How can I ask for my gift back? Taking this once again from a western standpoint here are a few important etiquette points to consider.

First, is what you gave really a gift? Here is the Merriam-Webster Definition of a Gift:

Pronunciation: \ˈgift\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse, something given, talent; akin to Old English giefan to give
Date: 12th century

2 : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation.

Next

Some Examples of More Legal Definitions:

Donative Intent: Did you intend to make a gift and have the mental capacity to do so? Was the gift delivered and accepted? Were there no strings attached? Read more on the US legal definition of a gift at US Legal Definitions and Inter Vivos Gifts by Gerry W. Beyer, Professor of Law at TX Tech .

From Gift (law) Wikipedia -Revocation

"A donor may revoke a future gift, however a gift delivered and accepted cannot be revoked."

[Read the entire Gift (law) page for very helpful insight on giving gifts]

Lastly, Standard Etiquette's View On The Matter:

It simply is not done.

Well there you have it. The answer is rather cut and dry although, as with most things in life, there can always be an exception. That exception is going to be up to you or someone acting as a guardian, but it is highly suggested legal counsel is sought and a heavy dose of soul searching is done before proceeding.

Repeatedly giving and asking for gifts to be returned throughout life can end up causing irreparable damage to ones character and trust me, such a reputation has a way of spreading and reverberating through future relationships in unimaginable ways. By this I mean detrimentally. Asking for the return of gifts after a relationship has dissolved especially boils down to an appearance of vindictiveness. Something, many professionals, say should be avoided at all costs.

Watch holistic psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish talk about The Pattern of Control Through Generosity, a possible contributing factor to the need for gifts to be returned:

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR LEGAL COUNSEL NOR WAS IT MEANING TO TAKE ITS PLACE. EVERYTHING PRESENTED IS FOR GENERAL INFORMATIVE PURPOSES ONLY AND USES EASILY ATTAINABLE REFERENCES ALREADY PUBLISHED ONLINE. NO LIABILITY TAKEN NOR GIVEN.

Etiquette: Do I Need To Give A Gift In Return? You Asked

2009-06-02T05:43:00.004-04:00

Q. I was wondering what the etiquette is regarding the exchange of gifts? Do I have to automatically give a gift when someone gives me one?

A. One of the most pressing answers Gave That readers are searching for is the etiquette of exchanging gifts. Is it mandatory that you have to give a gift in return when someone bestowed one on you? The answer, thankfully, is very cut and dry... no. According to standard western customs and decorum people are not required to give a gift in return but anyone receiving a gift should make it a point to say thank you in writing. Even if you have already expressed it in person, get that card, their address and send it right out. Etiquette dictates that gifts should be given without the express thought of the bearer getting something in return. This is our methodology here as well.

Along with stocking up on sensible cards in order to write a quick note of thanks it is also a good idea to invest in a small journal or pad of paper and keep notes on what gifts you have received. Then make it a point to follow up and try to remember the person who gave you the gift's birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc. It will serve to strengthen bonds down the road and help to extract honest giving (out of love, care, admiration, etc.).

Can these rules be broken... of course there are certain gift exchanges and events that require and are founded on everyone exchanging gifts with one another and in some cultures it might be seen as a grand slight. Investigate everything beforehand and you should be just fine.

Also Read:
- Can I Ask For My Gift Back?

Declining Gifts with Grace - Saying No Thank You

2009-05-01T13:25:00.021-04:00

Why saying no thank you might be easier than you think.

After reading my past piece, When Someone Declines and Returns A Gift You Gave, many coming to Gave That have been wondering about the flip side of such a tricky situation. Specifically how to go about saying no to a gift and giving it back? Fortunately the answer to that is rather simple, it's when you probe into why a gift should be returned that things can get murky. First, tackling the easy part of the dilemma, saying no thank you.

That really is all you have to to do. Most of us know about K.I.S.S. and this is the perfect time to stick to that sage advice... keep it simple and stay away from anything drawn out. This shouldn't be a melodrama. A quick, I'm sorry but I cannot except this or you're very kind but no thank you is all there is to it. The need to explain away why you came to this determination is not necessary. Stand firm. Those who truly care about you will fully understand and move on, as seen in the comments left in our past article. It's those who may be showing inklings of a darker nature that will try to manipulate the situation or demand an explanation so that they can counter and show you that you're mistaken and wrong. As the classic etiquette book by Vogue states: "The one thing to avoid (when refusing gifts) is indecision.".

As already mentioned above when to say no can be very gray in nature. When in doubt go with your gut feeling. Listen to it. Unless yours is deeply compromised and has led you down the wrong path in the past (for this professional help might be needed to realign it), let it be your guide. According to a number of researchers and the much buzzed The Luck Factor, book author and physiologist Richard Wiseman explains that those who are some of the most successful in life know how to listen to their intuition and instincts. If you feel uneasy when presented with a gift and something deep is saying give it back, do just that. Declining gifts can be part of setting healthy boundaries in life, for more on this watch this video by one of my favorite YouTuber's, holistic psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish.

Another help is etiquette itself which can act as a buffer to situations that can turn very bad later on. In my past piece, How To Say No To Gifts, some of the most popular reasons why (some tongue & cheek) you should say no were covered. These include declining expensive gifts from coworkers or a boss which may be seen as fraternization or turn into sexual harassment (for more on this see this from etiquette expert Emily Post). Another major breach of etiquette is to except gifts from someone who is clearly romantically interested in you but, in your heart, know will never have such feelings returned.

In most cases excepting expensive gifts from someone you have just met and do not fully know is to be treated with extreme caution. Some cases have shown those who seem incredibly generous with gifts are actually deeply controlling in relationships and looking to create obligations. They might even use anything given as a way to continue contact once things have ended. In private eye Gavin De Becker's book Gift of Fear he cautions to think about the possible future ramifications of your actions and how accepting things and drawing out the giving back process can end up facilitating stalking. Showing how a simple no thank you with as little emphasis placed on it as possible and moving on can be the best answer to everything.

The Breakup. Another common question is do I have to return gifts once a relationship ends? In the olden days etiquette dictated that gifts went back to the giver if they were "romantic" in nature--right down to love letters so that, if need be, they could be burned by the writer. Nowadays this have become less cut & dry. Although even way back in the 1600's this was cause for debate (see 32 Questions on Love here). During recent conversations someone pointedly said, "why would you want to keep something from such a painful experience? It will always remind you of it and them.". My sentiments exactly.

Again the advice from Gavin De Becker above finds itself very pertinent to these situations as I've seen many cases go into retaliatory litigation, begging the questions, is it really worth it? Probably not. Also look at the laws regarding broken engagements and rings.

A Reason Not To Decline a Gift
One reason some feel the need to decline gifts is because they feel unable to give a gift in return. When it comes to giving and western etiquette this is a non-issue. You are not obligated to give a gift in return, for more on this read this. Deciding to pass on a white elephant or secret Santa gift game is totally understandable but declining gifts out of fear of having to give yourself could be putting up walls and rebuffing loving kindness coming your way. When people give you things for genuine, loving reasons there is zero expectation of repayment in kind. The act of giving is good enough.

Image:Letterary Press These delicate letterpress cards are perfect and even a tad bold for when you rather send your sentiments and return through the post.

Also Read:
- Can I Ask For My Gift Back?
- Return To Sender
- Do I Have To Give A Gift In Return?
- 32 Questions on Love (3 of which are on gifts)

When Someone Returns A Gift You Gave (You Asked)

2009-02-05T11:46:00.044-05:00

Over the past few weeks our readers have had a burning question... what do you do when a friend or loved one returns a seemingly unwanted gift you gave them?

In many cases this is one of those life situations that can cause an emotional roller coaster. As I've mentioned in one of my first posts here the act of giving can be incredibly deep and meaningful to the giver. When this passing of care, love, and intimate feelings are interrupted in some way a great deal of hurt can follow. Hurt that can be greatly squelched if only the question of why was answered. The problem is many people returning gifts are afraid of a confrontation or to hurt you any further and will try to be as vague as possible. The good thing is you can find closure in some of the most common reasons why a gift has been returned below. First, how should you handle the situation when it first happens?

What to do when a person returns a gift?
Etiquette tomes all say the same thing, there is only one thing to do when someone says no thank you and that's to accept its return without confrontation or making any sort of a grand ballyhoo. Your emotions may rise and you might even be slightly shocked or put off. Try to keep all of this in check and accept the item back with grace.

In a calm tone you can also ask why your friend is giving the item back? If the reason is something you feel is a misunderstanding you can gently ask them to please reconsider taking it. If they still refuse that should be the end of it. Keep a stiff upper lip, say OK and move on. I like to think gift giving is, not about you or me, it's about them! They might be setting healthy boundaries which are deeply personal to them.

For more on healthy boundaries, including gifts, watch online this video by one of my favorite YouTuber's holistic psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish.

“Affirmation: “My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)—since it is now theirs.” It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.”
— Tom G. Stevens

Why They Might Have Returned Your Gift
While each situation is unique the factors causing a person to return a gift usually are not. The person returning your gift might be trying to send you a message or they might actually be acting in your better interest. The latter of which could be one of the best and most meaningful gifts to receive. That's why it's important not to jump to conclusions or take anything too personal initially. Especially if we're talking about an established relationship of many years.

So what are the common reasons people decline gifts? Here is what I've found:

They simply do not like it. Yes, this has to be one of the few reasons that isn't very socially sound or high on the etiquette list. Still it's a valid reason and it can be common among close friends who frequently swap gifts anyway. What can be hurtful is when a person you do not know well returns a gift with a frank, I hate this or This is so ugly why did you gift me this? comment to go along with it. This sheds a lot of light on the individual you're dealing with and what their level of gratitude and entitlement is (for more on what should have been done, read this by Emily Post). Accept the gift back graciously and think twice about giving anything else to this particular person in the future.

The gift didn't fit. This again is very common among close friends and relatives. Things happen! This is also another good reason to read our The Top Gifts Your Shouldn't Give article which helps guide you through avoiding particularly tricky gifts that might not go over very well. If you're gift didn't come with a gift receipt the person might feel it better to give the gift back to you instead of re-gifting it or trying to sell it.

They already have one. Great minds think alike and someone else might have beat you to the pass. In most cases the person returning the gift will let you know flat out that your gift is a duplicate. Take it back and either use it yourself or try to get your money back. One nice thing about the latter is you can use the refund to purchase another gift and try again.

They're Just Not That Into You. Quoting the hilarious and often times true book by Greg Behrendt, this is an area where very special attention should be paid. If you're giving a gift to someone because you have obvious romantic feelings you're trying to convey (good for you!) and the person returns the gift it should be clear that they're not interested. Do not take this personally and even better, consider yourself as having very good taste. This person is being honest with their feelings and you not to mention very chivalrous. There are a lot of people out there today who are not and look to use and exploit peoples feelings any chance they get for their own personal gain. Move on and keep trying with others you find interesting!

Another thing to think about when it comes to romantic gifts is that a person might be interested in learning more about you but feel it's too early in the relationship for gifts just yet. They also might feel you're trying to buy their affection (which never works by the way!). If you think this is the case save the gift and give it later, if you can, once the relationship has progressed.

They feel like you're trying to buy their time or friendship. As mentioned above some people have had run ins with people who thought the only way to a relationship was through gifts and trying to buy another persons time. In many cases these people trying to buy others can act hurtfully or inappropriately and then, in an attempt, to cover or smooth the situation shower the person with gifts. This becomes a vicious and damaging cycle in the relationship. In most cases, people who have experienced this behavior in their life will now be very leery of excepting any gifts from people they do not know well. They also do not want confrontation and will avoid it at all costs.

"If you haven't come to fully accept yourself with both light and dark facets and feelings, how can you possibly like and respect yourself? This issue sets you up for having to buy another's love with gifts, gestures and behaviors that consistently place another's desires and needs before your own." -Shari Schreiber, M.A.

Accept the return gracefully and if you value the relationship, keep it going until the person sees you as a good, trustworthy person who is giving gifts out of generosity and true care. As with many things lasting friendships can take time to materialize and that's OK because it builds perspective and meaning.

Watch holistic psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish talk about The Pattern of Control Through Generosity:

The gift can be seen as inappropriate. This is one avenue that can go in many directions. One of the most glaring is giving gifts privately to subordinates at work. If someone, especially women, feel their boss is giving them personal gifts the right thing to do is always to return them. Some companies also have value caps where expensive gifts are simply not allowed. In these hard economic times no one wants to jeopardize their job or position. One also has to think about married individuals accepting gifts from the opposite sex. Especially if the gift giver is single. This can make people feel uncomfortable and their wishes should be respected.

The relationship fails to warrant such a gift. Lately I've noticed many people coming to this page because they want to return a thank you gift specifically. The reason is possibly explained in this insightful WSJ article by Melinda Beck:

"It's possible, of course, to over-do expressions of gratitude, particularly if you try to show it with a gift. "Thanking someone in such a way that is disproportionate to the relationship—say, a student giving her teacher an iPod—will create resentment, guilt, anger and a sense of obligation," says Dr. Froh.

"Gratitude can also be misused to exert control over the receiver and enforce loyalty. Dr. Froh says you can avoid this by being empathic toward the person you are thanking—and by honestly assessing your motivations." (also see the video above by Victoria Lorient-Faibish as she speaks more about this as well). Read the entire article here.

“Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it.”
— Indian Monk via Elizabeth Gilbert

They feel you're trying to reform them. Some gifts can have the unintended (or intended) effect of trying to tell someone something about themselves. For instance exercise DVD's for someone who the gift giver thinks is out of shape or self help books for someone who is single. Giving such gifts out of the blue and without any evidence that the gift recipient has been wanting such things can sadly turn the person off. When shopping for gifts it's always good to think about what message your present will carry. Will it say I love you or I care about you as you are?

They want to live a minimalist lifestyle. I've noticed a growing movement to remove what some deem clutter from their lives or they could be someone grappling with hoarding tendencies. This is usually rather obvious by minimalist decor or a general lack of interest in acquiring new things on a regular basis (another example of why getting to know people well prior to giving physical gifts is important).

For many minimalists, people in general and those deemed as already having everything experts are suggesting more and more to give gifts that are experiences. Italian Vogue editor Franca Sozzani writes, "Everyday I receive a large quantity of bags. I don't use bags. If you stopped to think about it even for one second you could come up with a new idea, a different one." and then mentions, "Choosing a book, dedicating it, is more personal, less expensive and it stays with you forever." along with a pack of movie tickets, a gift membership to a museum, spa treatments, a trip. Read the entire article here, it's eye opening.

They feel you've put yourself out/over extended yourself. In our current economic climate this is a very common reason to consider. One that might show incredible care in the person who has returned your gift. Even though it might not feel like that at the time, your friend might have a clearer perspective on the situation and wants to save you heartache in the future due to a loss of income or mounting bills.

In some cases people are so enamored with someone else and so interested in filling a perceived need that they will overextend themselves and give a gift they really cannot afford. If a true friend catches on to this they might feel compelled to give the gift back to you. In some cases your gift could have been acquired at a real bargain or is a possession you have long had. It could have even been a past gift. In such cases you can try and explain and re-give the gift but if they're adamant about not taking it, accept it back and move on from there. If you have a true friendship with this person there will be time enough to give other gifts.

One other thing to consider is the power of being positive in both your thinking and speech. People will often feel guilty if they received a gift from a person, especially an expensive one, and then later on hear over and over again how this person has no money or is so bad off. Once this becomes a persons MO few will want to accept gifts from them of any kind. No one who cares wants to feel like the cause of someones unhappiness and/or possible downfall. Once again, when feeling the need to share negative or unhappy news make it to someone who can really help. Broadcasting it to everyone rarely helps to get anything accomplished and can actually drive what a person needs the most to cope with life away... friends!

They Forgot You Gave It To Them (recycling gifts). Anonymous wrote:

Another possibility is that they have forgotten that you gave them the gift. And it doesn't always mean that they did not enjoy the gift. In one case a former lover gave me a book I'd given him 4 years previously because he thought I would enjoy it! (It was the very same copy as I'd gotten the book signed by the author.) I forgave his forgetfulness and was glad to have a copy of a great book.

I like to ponder the many gifts that can be given that are hard for others to refuse such as: giving a compliment, holding the door for someone, being supportive, kind and compassionate. For more see my post Simple Gifts to Give. Happy giving!

"The gifts of caring, attention, affection, appreciation, and love are some of the most precious gifts you can give, and they don’t cost you anything” —Deepak Chopra

For anyone having a hard time dealing with rejection, depressive feelings, hopelessness call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to speak to a real person.

PS... want to see quite possibly the ultimate returned gift? Click here for one I found in Return To Sender.

Thank you everyone who has shared their personal stories with us all! Do you have a reason or story as to why you felt compelled to decline a gift? Have you had a gift returned to you? Please share by leaving a comment about your experiences.

( This is article part 1 of 2, part 2 looks at how and why to return a gift with care. )

Also Read:
- How To Decline Gifts with Grace - Saying No Thank You
- Can I Ask For My Gift Back?
- Return To Sender
- Simple Gifts to Give
- This Is Your Brain in Love (review)

Image: copyright MAM for GaveThat.com.

On Giving Advice

2009-01-06T17:11:00.001-05:00

"To what do you attribute your success [in life]?"

"First, to attend strictly to my own business. Strictly to let other people's business alone. Observing this, I incurred no ill will by inter-meddling with others, and I saved my time for the development and improvement of my own business [and self!]"

"Be very sparing of letters [and giving] of advice. As a rule, you will have enough to do to attend to your own affairs; and, as a general thing, advice even when solicited is liable to give offence"

-Hill's Manual, 1885

*Areas in brackets added by me.

Image: mam for Gave That

What Not To Do On Your Birthday

2008-08-11T13:00:00.035-04:00

"These seemingly small lapses in etiquette cannot only ruin your special day but put relationships in jeopardy down the road."

Etiquette isn't so much about rules but about doing things and treating people with compassion and respect. The following etiquette blunders will unfortunately not win you many friends.

Falling Into The Registries and Wish Lists Trap
This has to be one of the few no, no's almost purely perpetuated by the Internet and online retailers such as Amazon.com. Sorry but just because a store says it's OK doesn't make it all right. On this Lesley Cerlin and Honore McDonough Ervin (the Etiquette grrls) say,

"The... whole business of registering for gifts has gotten rather out of hand. This, Dear Reader, is just plain greedy. Surely anyone who is close enough to you to have the desire to buy you a present [for your birthday] knows you well enough to pick something out by him/herself.".

The gift giver could be like me, the sort who sees a thing-a-ma-jig and has a vision of someone I know. Then I grab it, wrap it and give it sometimes many months later. I could only imagine the knot in my stomach if someone told me, no I don't want anything from you personally... just something from my list. In most cases I think people are doing this because they think they're saving people time and money having them only buy what they really want/need. Honorable reasons but, just like the cash request below, life isn't only about ones perceived needs. Birthdays and gifts are about so much more... as Mary Catherine Bateson said,

"Every human society uses gift giving-and, of course, exchanging-to define and sustain relationships. When I give you a present, I'm making a statement about who I am, who you are... and what our relationship is between us".

It's pretty one sided when someone tells someone else what they should give. The gift giver seems to disappear from the relationship completely and that has to end up feeling rather like they're being used.

One thing that you can do is drop a few hints about what you've been lusting for. Many people just haven't a clue what to get a person and would welcome some hints. So let people know, especially around your birthday. Create a wish board with pictures cut out of magazines with what you want or use the website polyvore.com and post your creation to myspace and facebook.

Force People To Pay For Your Birthday Dinner
We've all probably fallen victim to this growing trend that smacks in the face of etiquette. Inviting friends to a club or restaurant for ones birthday and then sticking everyone with the bill is always a bad idea. This is a major snafu that can cause real resentment later on. Especially if people find themselves having a not so pleasant time with a bunch of people they don't know. Ones birthday isn't a time to extort a fancy meal or bottle service from people.

There are always more appropriate ways to get it! For instance you can make like a celebrity and get a company to sponsor your party (although some find this tacky as well) or by saving up all year to go on your own. Having a no-pay birthday at a swanky spot can only mean one thing and that's a friend or loved one doing it on their own and out of the kindness of their own heart. If you're going to be the one throwing the bash be prepared to pay for every ones plate and drinks—this is standard etiquette for any lunch, brunch or dinner you will be hosting. People can then bring the gifts they choose to give you.

Don't Ask For Cash Instead of Gifts
Cash is OK for children and very close relatives in a bind but for the most part cash is utterly forgettable. Everyone likes to feel now and then that they've found one of those memorable gifts to give... that's Gave That's quest too. So let them have at it and don't stifle them with the cash will do brush off. Not only that but asking for cash can come off as being greedy. I'm pretty certain that most people asking for cash are doing so because they have some great need like rent to pay. The thing is ones birthday isn't the time or place for such things. The point isn't to cash in. It's about celebration of life and all the relationships a person has fostered. Asking for cash gives off the unpleasant thought of someone with one of those old lever pull calculators, placing a price on each guests head and rubbing ones hands together in anticipation. Sorry but that isn't romantic or very friendly.

The best way to get cash without putting people off is to sell any gift cards given to you. Try places such as ebay or plasticjungle.com.

Telling People Not To Get You Anything
For some giving gifts out of the blue can feel a tad too awkward and uncomfortable. Especially in our era (unfortunately). Times like birthdays and the holidays have a way of taking off the edge and gives people a free pass to let you know they've been thinking about you. This can be an immensely important and therapeutic thing.

When people think about the reality behind genuine gifts, declining them because they don't want people to go out of their way for them seems silly. Not only that but many people who declined gifts and fuss admitted to feeling jealous when they saw other people enjoying their birthday. It makes one wonder what they were supposed to gain in the first place?

There may be very well throughout reasons for declining gifts but it's important to examine them deeply and make sure they are not connected to ones sense of self worth or lack there of.

Never Bothering To Remember Birthdays
Some people show little interest in the birthdays of others, including friends and family, but expect extreme hoopla over their big day. Sadly life usually fails to work out that way. Or if it does, not for long. Forget other peoples birthdays and they'll be sure to forget yours or you completely. Many books on relationships now tout the virtues of keeping things even. I have to agree.

Anyone can make an honest mistake of missing a birthday or two but the key is to not let this become a habit. Also try to make up for these lapses in memory in some way. Like a surprise invite to go out to dinner or something extra special during the holidays. Gifts remind people a persons been thinking about them in a very physical way. People can't see inside a persons mind but looking at a gift they were given will give them the essence of doing just that.

Forgetting To Say & Send Thank You Cards For Your Gifts
Get a gift, send a card. This is an area that you can't afford to be lax on. Even if a person can say thank you in person, over the phone, through texting, e-mail, IM, what have you, try to take the extra time to send a real card through the post. If a person took the time to pick out a gift and, in most cases, wrap it for you go and make that effort to send that thank you. It makes a world of difference and it just plain feels good. Try to send it ASAP because the longer you wait, the harder it is to send and write your glee over the gift... although the only real late is never. For an ever growing collection of unique thank you cards check out etsy.

More Things You Shouldn't Do:

- Bemoan about the gift that got away! Just because you didn't get what you thought you wanted at your party doesn't mean it won't come later. One way to assure it won't is by complaining during or after your party about what you didn't get. Keep it positive and tell others what kindness people showed you. You never know who might overhear your conversation and grant your other gift wishes.

- Play gift givers off one another. This always comes off as being extremely manipulative and just isn't done. While it's fine to tell what others have given you try not to dwell on that. Instead, if faced with someone who gave you a gift, focus on what it was they gave you and be gracious.

- Keeping a running list of what people should get you prior to your birthday. This is one of the biggest recipes for disappointment and resentment. Even when people drop hints that they might get you something you've been yearning for who knows if it'll actually happen. The key is to have no expectations at all, that way you can be genuinely surprised. Move the focus away from the gifts and zero in on the personal connections celebrated on your birthday. Those after all end up being the true gifts of life.

- Turning your bash into a rent party and demanding cash donations from guests. Passing the till is wrong on so many levels, many of which have already been discussed in the above area of "Having People Pay For Your Birthday Dinner", it's just not done because of the very possible "burning of bridges" that can be the result. Stay away from this practice with a ten foot pole and do not allow anyone to do it in your behalf.

- Chastise people for not coming to your party. This is of course one of those areas where how deep of a friendship / relationship you really have comes into play. A simple, "hey where were you man!?" with a light chuckle might work in some cases but not in others. The same is true of a very empathetic, "were you alright? We missed having you at the party". The main thing is to not press people for answers nor make a big deal of the response or lack there of. The goal should never be to confront.

Once to yourself you can ponder the meaning with some possible answers being the person was ill or embarrassed that they couldn't bring a gift. Other scenarios can include they simply are not interested in maintaining a relationship of any type with you. In any of these situations move on, do not take things personally or harp and see this social graft as a potential gift in disguise.

For other takes on gift etiquette check out Faking Good Breeding's, Wish List Etiquette. Good Life Zen has a really great post on, 35 Ways to Create Lasting Friendships.

Also Read:
- When Someone Returns An Unwanted Gift You Gave
- 50 Simple Gifts To Give Yourself
- The Gift of Gratitude
- The Must Have Gift Journal by Loralin Design
- Saying No and Meaning It (When To Say No To Gifts)
- The Top Gifts You Shouldn't Give
- 50 Simple Gifts To Give Yourself
- Tips On Tossing Your Own Charity Dinner Party at Home

Saying NO and Meaning It

2008-08-05T21:47:00.017-04:00

Sometimes it's pretty easy to forget why you were saving something. That was the case with my July issue of O Magazine until I flipped through the pages and saw the huge black and red NO followed by the title 54 Ways to Say NO by Penny Wrenn. You can now read it online so my issue will be passed on but not before posting the sage advice on saying no in the area of gifts (this is Gave That after all).

How many times has someone you really don't know asked you to give a gift to someone else you really don't know? Well Penny had a great answer to that...

"I don't think our relationship has reached the gifting stage."

There is something so classy yet hilarious about that answer... can you imagine the look on the person face after telling them this!? The point is the power of NO can can free you from directing your attention and, at times resources, away from people who are close to you and more deserving of your attention and gratitude.

Another area of Penny Wrenn's article highlighted the book, The Power of a Positive No by William Ury who makes another very good point. It pointed out how not to be wishy washy about your answer! If you know deep down you can't give a gift or you really don't want to be bothered, tell the person no up front. That way they can plan without you. If you change your mind later you can always pull through in the end. This always looks better and helps alleviate the potential for people saying you failed them with a lukewarm maybe that never actually materialized.

Other Opportunities To Say No
- Someone who has obvious romantic feelings that you know you'll never have in return is trying to give you gifts here and there. Come on now... don't you ever watch The Peoples Court? These always end up turning into loans and either way you end up looking incredibly bad.

- Your boss keeps taking you out to lunch/dinner and expensive gifts keep magically materializing on the table in front of you. The same can be true of a workmate or client when ones company frowns upon it. For more on this read this piece by Emily Post.

- Requests for baby shower gifts for someone you don't knows 8th child.

- A very expensive gift you know the giver cannot really afford and that may put them in financial hardship.

- A pet.

- Someone with bad credit asking you to put a cell phone for them in your name... as a gift of course. Are the bills a gift too? Of course! Get them a Tracfone instead and a few phone cards to start them off. If they never want to talk to you again, feel pleased. Very pleased!

- That charity you've never heard of asking you to donate your brand new car... even if it is a Hummer.

- Of course we all want to teach children to refuse gifts from strangers or to ask you before they except... The Nice Bad Man was literally my favorite children's book ever.

The Top Gifts You Shouldn’t Give

2008-02-20T03:16:00.018-05:00

Here at GaveThat.com it's all about showing you what has worked for me (along with others) and turned out to be fantastic gifts. The truth is ever so often I get it wrong… really wrong and since such mistakes can end up rather costly for everyone involved I wanted to do what ever could be done to limit such problems in the future. Thankfully commonsense etiquette can be our best lifesaver and if we keep a few points in mind everyone can leave bad gifts in the past.

One thing to remember while you’re reading this guide is rules can be broken! I’ll be braking them all the time at this blog. The reason for this is many of the gifts given are to people we have known for many years. The more intimately you know a person, the more you can feel free to brake the rules. This also should be your guide to how close you should follow these rules. If you’ve just started dating someone or are going to a party where you really don’t know the host well you need to be very careful less your gift give off the wrong impression altogether.

Let’s keep that from happening by staying away from the following:

- Gifts that give off the impression you know someone intimately when really you do not.
One of the biggest mistakes one can make when initially dating someone and what leads to the label of ,“creep”. Don’t go there! This can also happen with hostess gifts (see below).
- Gifts that fulfill some fantasy on your part.
See the above.
- Gifts that are overly expensive or extravagant.
- Gifts that are the result of your assuming things about people.
Ask or better yet really get to know a person before you start pouring on the gifts. Never assume you automatically know what type of person he or she is.

Remember the above guidelines can be less strict or even broken depending on how well you know a person.

Items to specifically stay away from include:

Soaps & Cleaning Products:
Ana says: I remember reading about this a long while ago in an etiquette piece and have personally broken this rule numerous times. Still I understand the reasoning behind this which was it would give off the sentiment that you thought the recipient was dirty &/or had poor personal hygiene (i.e. you look dirty so here is some soap). It can also venture into the no mans land of being way too intimate in nature. It’s up to you but this is one that’s best left for good friends and relatives. Especially when it comes to scented products. Do you really know if the person will like that sent? Do you know if the recipient is allergic to scented products? When I was in the mall after Christmas, I couldn’t help but notice some of the longest lines in stores were bath and body related returns with the people stating they either hated the scent or, “I don’t use this stuff”.

Shoes:
Ana says: Now if your name is Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin I along with almost any other woman would most likely be very pleased to get such a gift from you but even then are they the right size? Sizes can vary a lot depending on the shape of the toe and the height of the heel. Is it leather? Will the recipient have a problem with that due to being into animal rights? Do they even wear heels or orange or zebra stripes? There are way too many directions in which a wrong turn can be made so why bother? I bought a bunch of Converse All Stars for musicians and they loved them. Feeling on a roll I was going to get some for a few others only to find out they didn’t like how soft Converse are. They liked another brand and style with a lot thicker and stiffer sole (i.e. Vans). Had I not found this out I would have been stuck with numerous pairs of huge sneakers no one wanted.

"Don't buy the man you love shoes or he'll walk right out of your life" -Angie Harmon, Town & Country

A much better idea is to buy someone a gift card and let them pick out their own clothes or shoes. The main thing not to do is write in the card accompanying the gift card something smarmy like, “here, now you can go buy yourself some shoes” or “because you really need some new shoes here is a gift card for…”. This can leave a real bad taste it the recipients mouth and take the shine off your good intentions.

Clothes & Handbags:
Ana says: For much the same reason as above. Especially when it comes to handbags because they need such care in how they’re picked out. What surprised me was when I was asking a guy about buying shirts as gifts (dress shirts) and having him come back with, “no way, how do you know it will go with the rest of his wardrobe? It might clash.” Wow, men care about such things? I’ve had too many close calls with the item being the wrong size (and I guess clashing) that I’ve abandoned this genre of gifts completely. Again, this is gift card territory.

Tickets to the Theatre or Concerts:
Ana says: Sometimes there can be confusion between buying tickets for a show you’ve been dieing to see and asking a friend to go with you and actually buying tickets as a gift for someone else. Many people will go with someone else when asked because the show, for them, is free and it could be a nice time out irrespective of the content. Giving tickets as a gift to a show or concert on the other hand can be extremely tricky. Especially if it contains foul language or nude scenes which may embarrass the person something awful. Remember it isn’t about you, it’s about them. If they show no interest in these things or you don’t know them well enough to determine their tastes, it’s better to stay away from this sort of gift.

Paintings & Art:
Ana says: Recently Pink Magazine suggested people (I.e. artists) not give jewelry they created themselves or paintings as gifts. In addition to the item not being in the recipients style or taste, they might have to have the item appraised and later pay taxes on it. I think this is a bit far fetched and even if the item isn’t my style to wear I like to hang up artist jewelry and admire it as fine art. Many of these pieces are not going to be worth thousands of dollars anyway, at least not in my lifetime. Still this can be something to think about along with the fact both objects are deeply personal in nature.

Lingerie & Flowers:
Ana says: This enters yet another no mans land and has not surprisingly ended up causing a backlash with women labeling givers of such gifts “creeps” and “perverts”. Even flowers can come off a bit creepy if you haven’t known a person very long or have just started dating. When in doubt take it down a notch and give a potted flowering plant instead. Lingerie on the other hand is in really poor taste and is a major no no when you barely know someone. Don’t take the chance of ruining your prospects. Instead brush up on your etiquette and give sweet gifts that show real concern and admiration. If you’re at a loss at the moment as to what that is, you need to take the time to get to know that person a lot better. (For more on giving lingerie see here)

Pets:
Ana says: Animal shelters and pounds are filled with unwanted pets given as birthday presents, Christmas gifts and as a gift during Easter. See our article on the PETCO adoption program. Please don’t add to this sad situation. Animals need love and proper care. This is something you really can’t know for certain will happen unless you’ll be the one taking care of the animal.

Of course for tons of inspirational ideas on what would make the perfect gift keep checking back to GaveThat.com for new posts.

Image: mam for Gave That